Before Joseph was born all three kids seemed super excited about adding a family member.  I wasn't sure that the excitement would stick once he was actually here.  Well, thankfully the excitement stayed strong and even grew those first few days.  There is pretty much nothing greater than watching your kids love on each other and take joy in the moments they get to share.

 There was no doubt that Claire would be an amazing biggest sister.  She refers to herself as the "second mama" and she holds the title high and well.  She is irreplaceable.

 These four are awesome!

 BROTHERS!!!  Being married to an only boy and having a lone brother myself made me even more excited that Jacob was going to get a brother.  His sweet heart towards his baby brother makes me so excited about their future.

 Aubrey just might love her baby a little too hard sometimes, but I am focusing on the love part.  I have no doubt that these two will be best buddies one day in the very near future.

 Our last night in the hospital was a bit emotional for me.  I just needed some time with my little family and nobody else.  Claire was able to come up for a little alone visit and it was exactly what the doctor ordered.  Such sweet memories were made.

I had to capture this position.  This is how my Joseph posed in almost every sonogram.  I love seeing my babies do things I know they did on the inside.

Joseph Max Kavalich

 Joseph Max Kavalich

April 21, 2014

9:56am

9 pounds 5 ounces

22 inches

You are named after your grandfathers.  Joseph Palowski was your Mima's daddy.  Max Hennigh was your Gibbie's daddy.  They were both wonderful Godly men.  I pray that is something that will be said of you one day sweet boy.

 My Dear Joseph Max,
I am so thankful you are here.  A year ago I had no idea how deeply my heart could possibly desire a fourth baby.  Your Daddy knew we should be a family of six before I did, I am so thankful he did and that God put that same desire in my heart a few months later.  You truly are a gift from God and the perfect completion to our family.  I love you more than you will ever know little man!!

Forever Loving You,
Mommy

 Joseph had a due date of April 18, 2014.  I knew from very early on in this pregnancy that I wanted to try and have a natural, unmedicated, birth.  A lot of people thought I was crazy, especially since I had already had three births with an epidural.  There were a few reasons behind my decision, but the main one was that I had read a study on a possible link between  deep baby blues/postpartum depression and epidurals.  I am thankful that full blown depression is not something I have had to deal with, but to be honest the first year after the three previous births were really rough hormonally/emotionally which took its toll on my marriage especially and I was not willing to jump back on that crazy wagon if at all possible.  The other reasons behind choosing a natural birth had a lot to do with the opportunity to be at my friend, Hannah's home birth a few years ago, which began changing my opinion on the whole process; talking with friends who had experienced both natural and medicated births and had exceptionally better recoveries when meds were not involved; the epidural had almost completely worn off at my third birth by the time I delivered and it was not nearly as horrible as I had feared.  So that's that...
It was evident at my 36 week ultrasound that Joseph was going to be a big guy.  I had a pretty hard pregnancy physically and as the weeks passed by the word induction started getting thrown around.  I was terrified of pitocin without an epidural.  I gave myself the end date of April 21st, if he wasn't here by then I would be induced.  Well, his birthday is the 21st so I guess you can figure out what happened.    I think that this was God's way of making me rely completely on Him and my support team, Allan and Hannah, to have the birth I felt convicted to have.
Allan and I got to the hospital at 5:00am, pitocin was started at 6:00am, the doctor broke my water at 7:15am and then HARD labor set in quickly.  I have never hurt so badly and I have never worked so hard both physically and mentally.  Staying on top of the pain took every ounce of inner strength and encouragement from Hannah's words to Allan's arms which held strong when I could not.

Somewhere between 9:15-9:30 everything changed and I knew that it was time to push this baby out.  I had been told that everyone expected me to go fast, but NOBODY expected me to progress this quickly.  When I told the nurse to check me she said "I just did 15 minutes ago" I told her I knew something was different...I was right. ;)  Things went into fast motion, I started pushing, the doctor arrived, they could see his head and he was BALD (side note: I don't have bald babies, I knew this kid was different).
The next part is kind of a blur.  I think his head was out when the doctor said "We have a shoulder" and the atmosphere of the room shifted to a slight panicked feel.  I was told to push with everything in me...NOTHING happened.  Everything seemed to go into slow motion.  I was staring at the doctor waiting for some hope.  The doctor then said loudly, with eyes wide "Help now!"  The next thing I knew a nurse was on top of me pushing/punching from the top of my stomach, the doctor was pulling on the baby, I was being told to PUSH HARD, two other nurses were pushing my hips down and my knees back.  I thought I was going to pass out from the intense pain and then....my son was born.  He was grey and not crying, I was completely freaking out on the inside, but felt like I had to hold it together for some reason.  The NICU nurse grabbed him and took him to the warmer and thank God it was not long before I heard his first cries.  I had done it!!  I had an epidural free birth and a "huge" healthy baby.  What a glorious relief.  Every birth, every baby is a miracle.  I am blessed!

Hannah and I were so excited that I had done it!  

Finally getting to hold my Joseph.  He was perfect and looked completely different than my other three babies.  It took me a minute to believe he was really mine ;)  

He had a rough time getting his breathing under control and had to make a short visit to the NICU.  They let me stop by and visit him on my way to the postpartum room.  I ached to hold him, but was thankful just to pat his back for awhile.  My heart swelled at the site of my beautiful boy.  

FINALLY united as a family of SIX!!  

Aubrey was thrilled to hold her baby brother.  She has taken her role as Big Sister very seriously.  I have no doubt they will be buddies one day very soon.

Claire is a dream of a Big Sister or "Second Mama" as she likes to refer to herself.  I had tears in my eyes when she finally got her brother in her arms.  It was a moment of the purest joy.

Aww Jakey!  This kid has a tender heart for his brother.  What a gift to see their love.

Our Baby!  So thankful that Allan listened to the Lord and entertained the idea of adding to our family. I cannot imagine life without either of these guys. 

We are a family that loves family.  I have been blessed to have my parents, Allan's parents, and my four siblings at the hospital the day all four of my kiddos were born.  We all celebrate and love well on these special days.  I do not take for granted the effort and celebration that all these people bring to the birthdays of my kiddos.

Poppie and Gibbie loving on their 12th grand baby 

Coby, Amy, and Sara are some of my favorite people on the planet and I LOVE that they were here to love on me and my baby boy.

Papa and Mima have come out from California to be there on the day of all their grandkids' births.  Joseph is their 9th grand baby.

**I want to be clear that I am an advocate for everyone having the right to choose how they birth their babies.  I do NOT believe that having or not having an epidural is in anyway related to the quality of person/mother you are.  I am beyond thankful for medicine and hospitals and all that jazz.  Please have your baby the way you want to and walk with your head held high.  The end result, Lord willing, is a healthy baby and that is ultimately all that matters.  Can I get an amen?!?!

Restarting...I Don't Want To Forget

I have been living life, busy just like the rest of the world, and have not taken the time or energy to write down the daily/weekly/monthly treasures of my very normal, everyday, special to me life.  I looked back at this blog not long ago and was reminded of so many little treasures of Claire's baby and toddler days, a few of Jacob's too, then life got too busy and I got overwhelmed as I spiraled into being a mom of three who part-time home schooled the oldest and grasped to hold onto my sanity.

God graciously did two miracles over the last year, he allowed me to take a trip to Kenya and he changed my heart and blessed me with a fourth baby.  Somehow these two things have worked together to change my outlook on life and ease the stress I had placed on myself and expectations I had placed on others.  I feel like I am slowly becoming less self-focused and my worldview is changing.  Don't get me wrong, I am still a complete mess, but in all honesty...aren't we all.

So here I go again.  I am restarting this blog to document the extraordinarily ordinary life I have been blessed with because...I don't want to forget.

Well actually I DID the Whole 30 and that is quite an accomplishment if I do say so myself.  There is NO way I could have made it through the last thirty days without my main supporter, encourager, and teammate.  I am beyond thankful that Allan decided to do this with me.  He was a rockstart throughout this entire process...seriously!

When I started this torture cleanse I thought I would breeze through it since I could eat as much meat, fruits, and veggies as I wanted and it was ONLY 30 days.  I thought I would blog everyday and tell about how wonderful I felt and how skinny I was getting and how glow-y my skin was and how deeply I slept...then day 2 happened and reality set in and it only went downhill from their for me emotionally for the next week or so.  It was around day 5 that I thought my world had ended and all I wanted to do was lay in a ball on my bed and cry.  Why was I doing this to myself?!?  I kept vacillating between not wanting to finish and realizing what an emotional hold food had on me and that needed to end.  When things weren't going just right the first thing I wanted to do was eat some form of junk food.  That is not healthy y'all!

So on I marched sometimes with a decent attitude and sometimes with a less than decent attitude (have I mentioned that Allan was phenomenal at pulling me through this thing).  Around week three it stopped being miserably hard and it became fine, especially when I was just at home.  There were challenges when it came to being social because food is a huge part of social gatherings, but I figured it out.  The hardest part was when we had company for a week that REALLY love food and we had to figure out how to get them to their favorite restaurants that do not really have Whole 30 approved meals.  We did end up having one cheat meal while they were here and had a little bit of pasta and champagne.  It was amazing to see how much smaller our stomachs were, we just were not able to eat as much as much as we used to...and that is a good thing.

This last week I have finally began to notice some changes in my body and the way my clothes fit.  That was encouraging.  I weighed yesterday and my estimate is that I lost around 8-10 pounds.  I wouldn't mind losing about 5 more...we will see how that goes.  I never had that "I feel amazing" moment and I was feeling a little discouraged by that then I talked to another lady who had made it through the Whole 30 and had a similar experience.  It was her opinion, and I agree, that because we didn't go into it with excessive weight to lose or any allergies/intolerances (i.e. gluten, dairy, etc.) there weren't huge changes to be felt.

I am finishing out today with an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.  I would say I am really glad that I did it and really glad that it is over.  I would recommend this cleanse to people, but I would say that you better go into it with support around you and mentally prepared that you will have some really low days in the beginning.  You HAVE to have a plan for meals and be on top of you grocery shopping.  When you are caught in a pinch and there isn't a good choice available you will probably slip up.  It is so easy to fall back on old habits.  I am not sure I would recommend this if it is your first cleanse...it was my first cleanse and I think that made it a little harder because I had no idea what to expect.  Overall it was a good experience for me because it was so hard.  I am not really known for putting myself in positions that challenge me and this definitely did and I feel great that I persevered.

So what does my future eating plan look like??  That is the big question in my head today.  My goal is to continue to steer clear of soda.  I quickly become dependent/addicted to soda and so I will try and stay off of it as long as possible.  I will not keep junk food in the house for the most part.  If we want sweets we will have to make them with real ingredients and not buy so much processed crap.  I will continue to drink smoothies most days and have veggies with all my meals.  I will continue to drink a few more glasses of water a day.  I will occasionally eat an ice cream cone and have a glass of champagne.  I will be thoughtful about what I put in my body but not obsess over it.  I will enjoy life a little more than have the last thirty days- ha!!

I guess that about covers it.  

One more time just in case you forgot...I LOVE my husband and would NOT have made it through this without him graciously pushing me on cooking a lot of meals when I would have rather sat and pouted.  He is more than I could have ever dreamed of asking for in a husband.

8 Years

Today is our 8 year anniversary. Time is a strange thing. I feel like our wedding day just happened, such vivid memories. I also feel like so much life has happened since that day as well, and it has.

I am beyond blessed that Allan chose to ask me to marry him and I am so happy that I said yes. Honestly what really thrills my soul is that we chose to commit, to make a covenant before God, to stay married until we are parted by death. I have the confidence that no matter our circumstances, good or bad (and we have experienced both), we are in this for the long haul.

Allan is even more the man of dreams today than he was the day we got married. He is honest, faithful, a provider, humble, steadfast, helpful, creative (at times), the greatest daddy ever, supportive, a lovable dork 😉, constantly putting family first, responsible, and loves unconditionally. This list could go on and on. I often feel undeserving of the gift God gave me in my husband.

Thank you for choosing me Sweet Man. It has been a wonderful 8 years creating a family and home together. I look forward to finding our "normal" which seems to constantly be changing over the next many years. I live you forever and always!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Try Again

This is what life is like 90% of the time. Usually someone is screaming with joy, anger, or sadness, someone is distracted and enjoying their own little world, someone is on their best behavior, and the rest of us are trying to hold it all together.

Allan asked for a simple, sweet gift this year for Christmas- a book of memories over the last ten years we have been sharing life. I quickly realized that with each addition to our family my mind and memory got more fuzzy. I was so thankful for the beginning years of this blog that helped me piece together our amazing, crazy, fun, stressful life. Then Aubrey was born and I couldn't wrap my mind around one more thing on the to-do list (i.e. blogging) and the rest is history. This last year is a blur. It has been full of good, bad, and neutral moments and I hardly remember any of them. It is for this very reason I hope to start consistently blogging again. I won't call it a resolution for the New Year because I rarely stick to those. I am not sure what I will call this new plan...I will just hope to stick with it.

So there you (whomever *you* may be) have it. I will capture some memory from our life daily so my family can look back one day and know that we are mostly normal and totally blessed.

Hospital Stay

Thursday morning was the big meet and greet day for Aubrey. It was finally time for the big sister and big brother to get their hands on the newest member of their family and the moment did not disappoint. Jacob ran in threw his hands in the air and yelled "hello!" and Claire was so excited I thought she might cry. It was one of the sweetest moments ever when Allan put Aubrey in her big sister's arms for the first time.
Allan and I fell more in love with our newest daughter with every passing hour. We took advantage of cuddling her when we were alone in our room and soaking in every one of her beautiful features and sweet new baby sounds. She is a miracle!
Aubrey got plenty of love from some of our family and a few friends that popped in for visits. She handled being passed around like a champ. My sweet niece Lexi even got to squeeze her newest cousin and didn't seem to mind being replaced as the baby of the Selke family ;) It is always so fun to see other people love on your babies, we are one blessed family and I pray that Aubrey always knows how well loved she is by so many people.

As soon as Aubrey was born all the nurses and doctor talked about her long eyelashes and how they curled up. I love them! I love the way they rest on her cheeks when she is sleeping. She has the cutest button nose and little bird lips. She definitely has the darkest hair of my three kids and I wonder if it will stay that way. It is more black than brown. She is perfect. I could stare at her dainty features all day and just memorize everything about her and never get bored. I am so in love with this baby girl!

Aubrey did have another hiccup physically while we were in the hospital. Her blood test came back showing a likely infection. The doctors and nurses convinced me that four IV antibiotic treatments would be the best solution to get her healthy. Seeing you tiny baby with an IV is not the most fun thing in the world, but she handled it like a champ. It did extend our hospital stay one extra day, but that was ok since by the time we left she was cleared as being totally healthy.