Last night I was at Bunko and one of the ladies asked me if I felt plugged in with the church we attend. I quickly answered "no". I don't think she was expecting that answer. I followed my one word answer with an explanation that I am pretty sure came across wrong. I said that it is pretty much by choice, I am never going to be the person that joins comittees and throws myself into the middle of things, it just is not my personality, but I feel content not being "plugged in". The truth is, that is not exactly the truth. I have a tendency to say the first thing that falls out of my mouth without taking the time to make sure that my heart will be heard.
So here is what I should have said:
No I do not feel plugged in (whatever that means) at our church. I would like to go on Sunday mornings and be able to feel somewhat known by at least one person that we come in contact with. It would even be nice to go to lunch after the service with someone every once in a while. Here is the deal though- we are out of town a lot of weekends, I am not a life of the party kind of gal, I am not willing to put Claire in the nursery multiple times a week so that I can "get plugged in" (I am not saying that this is a good trait of mine, but after two years of feeling this way I am pretty sure it isn't going to change), and if I were being really honest I would say that I am a bit insecure in the whole church world after spending a lot of time in a church growing up that I never felt good enough for. I am somewhat content in my place at church though. It may take a while, but there are a handful of people that I am growing relationships with SLOWLY. I don't feel like a total outsider, afterall I am at a church where most people know my sister, Amy, so that connects me by default.
Do I have issues? Absolutely! Don't you?!?! I am a work in progress and I admit it. I know that I will have to step out of my comfort zone at times in order to build good friendships with people that go to our church and I am willing to that, it just may take me a little more time than the average bouncy, busy, have-it-all together (hahaha), moms that walk through the doors of our church and it takes them thirty minutes to find a seat because they stop ever five steps to talk with someone that they have connected with and can call a friend.
Maybe that clears up the straight"no" answer I gave at Bunko last night when asked if I feel plugged in :)
5 comments:
Aw, I really wish you did feel more plugged in ... or at least that you have a special place there. I love seeing you there (it just doesn't happen enough - our paths don't always cross) and I'm so glad to know you!
It was great to see you at Bunko. I think I am the power strip type. I have multiple outlets and try to plug in many areas. Sounds like you do that too, to some extent with the different groups of friends you have. CA, TX, Family, Church, ETC. Good luck with the church one, I know how you feel. I have had to do that before.
Way to go on the honesty. =) I actually think that that was pretty funny. Especially the "issues" part and the moms who "have it all together" part. Of course we're all in the same boat - just with different personalities. =) You crack me up.
I'm sorry you don't have that plugged in feeling. I know it's hard to commit to something so intimate and week after week feel like you're doing it alone. Even though I'm not at your church anymore, I know you're loved by people there and outside of there. You're not doing life alone, and people don't love you by default. You're a very special woman, Emily, and I'm glad we've become friends.
I do not know you, but I have some of the same feelings about being involved at church. And so funny because I am also known by default because of my sister. We go to what is a big church for our area and I like that I can be as involved or uninvolved as I choose. We know that it certainly doesn't mean that our relationship with Jesus is any less than those who "seem" to have it all together.
Sorry to go on forever. I found your blog through your sister Amy's blog whose my sister found when searching for the topic of contentment.
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